Spygate sounds like the name of a fucking Dakota Fanning movie

From an email last week:

“can i be the first to say that this business of adding “-gate” to denote that something is scandalous, is maybe the stupidest thing i have ever heard of? i hate it.”

Couldn’t agree more. Watergate happened over 30 years ago and referred to a building called…get ready for this…WATERGATE!!

When the Patriots were illegally taping shit, they were not using Spygate-brand cameras or spying through an electric gate. No, a gate, or Watergate, or anything remotely connected had to do with that or any other recent scandal.

Lazy journalism. Slap on the wrist. Bad bad bad. (Though, if they wanted to call it the Illegal Taping Contra Scandal, then we’d be talking).

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Elsewhere in relevant news, Richard Nixon is no longer the president.

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Dakota Fanning apparently makes $3 million a movie. For three million dollars, you could probably find some one to cut her tongue out or staple her lips shut.

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Our boss just made a “lives in the basement with his mother joke.”

Not about bloggers. About an overweight security guard. Bloggers and overweight security guards: one in the same.

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Why are there no NBA Draft analysts? If Kiper can do seven rounds for the NFL, two for the NBA would be cake.

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If you could switch bodies with a celebrity for one day who would it be?

Our answer is two-fold:

a. Carmen Electra. We would play with ourself all day long.

b. Tony Romo. This sounds pretty fun. Not the losing. The other shit. Fifteen grand to SHOW UP at a club. Awesome.

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If you’re on the Facebook, you could probably base a masturbation session off of those ads to the left.

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If you could fire a team, they should fire the Denver Nuggets. That was the sorriest excuse for a playoff series we can remember. The Nuggs have just as much talent as the Lakers, were only seven games worse and had the star power to win a series.

But Kornheiser made a good point on PTI saying that Denver is like a fantasy team in that it is loaded with stars, but has no chemistry.

It shouldn’t be George Karl’s job that’s in jeopardy. It should be every player on his team’s.

Fuck. There are some good college players who went undrafted. Adarius Bowman? He was the shit. Yvenson Bernanrd couldn’t spell, but he was solid, too.

We’re always surprised this time of year about some of the big-name college players who get drafted late on Day 2 of the NFL Draft — or those players who don’t get drafted at all.

There’s gotta be something said for a guy who starred in college, despite his mediocre speed, average size or lack of upside not translating well to the NFL. We’ve always thought that was bullshit. Look at Tom Brady. College star. Joe Flacco? Bust bust bust.

Rivals.com neatly compiled an all-undrafted team, which you can find here. If you’re too lazy to click the link (hey, we’ve all been there), here are some of the notable players that are now free agents.

Sam Keller – The Sun Devil turned Husker QB has one of the hottest lady friends of all the rookies, but either is too small, too slow or simply can’t throw the football very well.

Davone Bess – He caught like eight hundred thousand touchdowns at Hawaii. But is said to be a “system receiver,” though could probably flourish in one of 32 “systems.”

Adarius Bowman – A stud in ’06 at Oklahoma State, he was a disappointment in ’07 posting only mediocre numbers after being considered one of the top returning wide receivers. Apparently is slow.

Vince Hall – Member of a solid linebacking corps at Va. Tech that also included Xavier Adibi. Wore No. 9 which we think is beyond badass for a linebacker. Too small and not fast enough were reasons for not being drafted. NFL team would likely make him change number.

Anthony Morelli – Every NFL team gets an A for passing on the former Penn State QB. Man, we kept saying the day we saw Morelli make three good passes in a row we’d give up masturbation for six hours. Thankfully he didn’t.

Yvenson Bernard – The Oregon State back rushed for over 1,200 yards every year as a starter and finished second on the school’s all-time rushing list. But is too small, doesn’t have breakaway speed and NFL teams don’t understand the spelling of his name.

Alexi Serna – Sticking with OSU, the Beavers’ place kicker won the 2005 Lou Groza Award as the nation’s best placekicker. Also holds the Oregon State record for consecutive successful extra points at 144. Though will be remembered for missing three PATs in his first collegiate game in a 22-21 OT loss to defending National Champion LSU. That he even had a collegiate career after that is nothing short of a miracle.

Moving Zito to the bullpen is the wrong move…

…because the Giants should send him back to the minors. But that’s not the case, unfortunately.

The Giants have a $126 million long reliever. Barry Zito is heading to the bullpen.

Zito was told the news before Monday’s game, one day after he surrendered eight earned runs in three innings to the Reds and fell to 0-6 with a 7.53 ERA.

“Barry is all for doing whatever he can to help the club,” Bochy said. “This is the best for Barry and the ball club right now.”

No. No it’s not. If Giants brass could swallow their egos and accept that they spent nearly twice Kiribati’s GDP on a player good for an average of seven and a half runs per game, they’d send Zito to Fresno.

In Triple-A, Zito would be able to (presumably) work out his kinks at no expense of the Giants. He could keep his same routine — seven runs every five days — against minor-league talent and not fuck up the Giants’ record even more than it already is.

In long relief, Zito could turn a 5-0 deficit into a 10-0 hole in an inning. He also won’t get the consistency of pitching once a week in the bullpen. And yes, he’ll fuck up the game. He’s already done that six times. And at 0-6, he’s made approximately $3 million per loss, which is significantly less than what he’s making per win.

???

If you can name this man, you are smarter than we are.

Worst Blogs

Lozo’s Suckiest Blog Tourney was an eye-opener. There are some well-respected blogs that did well (bad?), FanHouse got slammed and our pal Dan Shanoff won the freakin’ thing!

These aren’t your average, one-post-per-week blogs that actually do suck. These were some big-name blogs with good street cred getting hammered by the voters into suckiness history.

So maybe we’re out of the loop on what actually sucks.

Let’s have some anonymous fun today. Let us know what your least favorite blogs are. And, like Lozo’s deal, let’s keep them to the bigger blogs that are updated daily and are actually relevant. Let’s not make enemies, so please comment anonymously. Or don’t. Pick your own fights.

Spill your hate, folks.

How Passover will affect your NFL Draft

Passover is our least favorite holiday, outside of the Fourth of July (fireworks scare us).

We live on carbs like pasta and rice and beer and certainly not matzah, but for one whole week, we basically can only eat potatoes and animals. Really kind of ironic about Passover, actually. You could, in theory, eat a bacon ham and cheese melt on some matzah and technically it’d be Kosher for Passover. Go figure.

We don’t observe that closely, but there are many who do. And for those strict-observers, Draft Day parties are going to be a bitch. No beer, no fucking corn syrup (mixers, candy, anything else that tastes good) and defintely no pizza.

Your best options:

-chicken wings. Most come un-breaded, so tear those motherfuckers apart.
-cocktail weenies with dipping sauce
-potato chips and dip (everthing on Draft Day should come with dip).
-veggies and dip
-Bloody Mary’s (make sure it’s potato vodka and your Bloody Mary mix is straight).
-Wine. Manishevitz will do the trick, but whatever floats your boat in the afternoon.

Some fun new additions to the Draft Day drinking game:

-Talk of Chad Johnson trade rumors, take four drinks.
-If any player who is actually in attendance falls out of the first half of Round 1 and has to sit waiting in the green room, drink one full beer for every hour he waits after the start of the draft.
-Any use of the term “spygate” finish your drink.
-If Mel Kiper’s hair moves, drink the blood of cobra.
-If Berman mentions Passover, pound your drink.

Happy Draft, folks! May your team not completely fuck up its future.

Craig Sager is giving sport coats a bad name

No, no, no! You have it all wrong, Craig Sager. Purple does not go with the brown shoes. Nope. All wrong.

Then again, “all wrong,” is a pretty accurate way to describe Sager’s fashion sense and overall demeanor. The man is embarrassing himself and the sport-coat-and-slacks look for men in general. You know it, we know it and Kevin Garnett knows it.

The best word to describe Sager: gimmicky. We fucking hate gimmicks and Sager switching up his blazer like Mr. Rogers and his fucking sweaters has no place in sports.

You can see a wide variety of Sager’s gimmicks here and cringe at every one. It’s not that Sager is even that bad at what he does, which we think is something made only for attractive women. But when he pulls that shit with his wardrobe, he’s begging not to be taken seriously. His shenanigans make him appear more like a circus clown than a reporter.

But maybe in another life Sager was a clown. Or perhaps Ronald McDonald could provide the TNT and TBS audiences with occasional sideline updates.

Sparing you from seeing another terrible movie

We hate bad movies and we suspect you do too, so we’re going to do you a public service today and tell you exactly what “What Happens in Vegas…” will be about to save you $10 and two hours of your life.

*Disclaimer: Cameron Diaz looks super-duper hot in this movie. If you see it strictly for that, you’re not entirely stupid and impressionable. If you see it because that’s the only way your girlfriend will give you a little suckie-suckie, you’re not entirely stupid and impressionable.

OK, the detailed plot outline:

-Two attractive people go to Vegas
-Get drunk
-Inevitably, each main character has hackneyed sidekick
-Cameron Diaz, looking waaay hot, does not take off clothes
-Two attractive people get married in drunken stupor
-Regret it in morning
-End up gambling, because — hey! — it’s Vegas and that’s what people do there
-Win big
-Diaz still clothed
-Argue over who money belongs to
-Try to separate and hate each other along the way, with trite romantic-comedy gimmicks along the way
-Sad part of movie where they are unsure whether or not problems will be resolved.
-End up falling in love (resolving problems), keeping money together (or donating) and living happily ever after
-Diaz still no frontal

And now you have seen “What Happens in Vegas…”

You’re welcome.

Tom Brady shops at Whole Foods

Being Tom Brady isn’t all fun and games. The Boston Herald investigates:

Being Tom Brady isn’t all fun and games.

See? Not fun.

One minute, the two-time Super Bowl MVP is golfing with Teddy Forstmann, the head of powerhouse Hollywood talent agency IMG — the next he’s buying recycled toilet paper at Whole Foods.

Brady’s shit probably smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls and every time he’s on the pot he pumps out a one-wipe masterpiece.

But he does it. Even Tom Brady needs to make stew from time to time. He’s like us. Yes, Tom Brady is like you and I.

(Hand-pound: Ben Maller).

SHARKS!

We’re officially on the bandwagon. Who’s with us?