My night with Bobby Hebert

[Clarification: Big Picture correspondent JMC was the lucky one spending the night with Hebert. I had a date with my right hand. – ZLS]

From the time his name was immortalized on Seinfeld, Bobby Hebert has been kind of a legend to us here at The Big Picture. In fact, we once made up a game at the summer camp where we worked called the Bobby Hebert Quarterback Challenge. Never in our wildest imagination did we ever think that we would some day get to spend an evening, shoot the shit, and have some beers with the great Bobby H. But last weekend, I did.

Now in respect for Mr. Hebert and his privacy I won’t divulge exactly how or why or where I had the chance to meet him, but I will say that the night involved a nice meal on Bobby and a hell of a good time.

Some things I learned about Bobby Hebert:

-He’s tall, but not giant. He could be a regular guy.
-He dips.
-Even though he dips, his teeth are really white.
-His accent is totally awesome.
-Not afraid to drop an f-bomb (or any other swear word).
-Can tell some great stories.
-When telling you great stories, he likes to get real close and tap you on the arm with the back of his hand again and again.
-He will always refill your beer when it’s empty.
-Although I didn’t get to see it first hand, apparently he’s a stud at beer pong.
-His ex-wife is a total MILF.
-Got promoted from doing just pre/post game radio to doing the weekly commuter show because somebody at the radio station died.

Some stories Bobby told:

-The one about the guy who played tackle, but after getting completely demoralized by Lawrence Taylor, moved to guard and never played tackle again. Here’s how it went: on the first play he tried to get a quick start and block LT off the play, but LT used a swim move and sacked Bobby. The next time he stayed back, LT saw he was on his heels, drove right into him, and dropped him onto Bobby’s legs. He was never the same.
-The one about Jack Del Rio getting traded because Jim Mora didn’t like him being too casual during a walk through.
-The one about going fishing with Deion Sanders. Apparently Deion is actually fairly down to Earth and a really good clubhouse guy. He would say “Hey Hebert, let’s go fishing.” And then they did.
-The one about getting sacked by Lawrence Taylor and how it hurt like shit. In fact, if I remember correctly he said that LT was the only guy he was ever genuinely scared of, because he had such a crazy look in his eye. He also said that a friend of his played with LT and told him stories about LT being all strung out and sleeping during practice, slumped over a blocking dummy, while the offense was on the field.
-The one about the guy who was hung like a clydesdale. Get this: apparently this guy’s wang wouldn’t fit in his jock, and if he had it going down his leg he couldn’t run. So he taped it to his hip, and one time he got hit in the side. He came off the field in agony, and everyone thought it was a hip pointer, until he said “I got my dick taped over here and it just got crushed.” By the way I almost choked and fell off my chair when he told this story I was laughing so hard. The best part might be that he said they met this guy’s wife at the team Christmas party and she was so tiny that they all wondered, “How can she take that?”

Best parts of the night:

-Seeing Bobby standing outside the restaurant dipping, then going back inside to check out the group of transsexuals that walked in after us.
-Hearing Bobby do his impression of Jim Mora saying “Playoffs?!?”
-Trying on his jersey.
-Hearing how excited he was that his son T-Bob (that’s right, T-Bob) plays for LSU. He even told us his jersey number so we could watch for him.
-Telling Bobby about how we named the Quarterback Challenge after him. He was stoked. And maybe even a little honored.
-Hearing a story from a family friend about when he was a kid and Bobby was still playing — one day the friend went over to the Hebert house and Bobby was on the treadmill and he said “Look at my calves! They’re as big as you!”
-Hearing him complain about how good the 49ers were, and how he could never beat them. If he had been in the AFC he could have gone to the Super Bowl.
-Telling Bobby that we will call into his show and rag on T-Bob if and when he gives up a sack. He loved it.
-All of it.

So Bobby, thanks for making our night. And good luck T-Bob, we’ll be watching for you.

Tom Brady…not so bad after all

We always considered Tm Brady evil. He wins MVPs, Super Bowls, has millions of dollars, endorsement deals and doesn’t exactly struggle with the ladies.

If that’s not the epitome of evil, we don’t know what is.

But then the above photo appeared on The Big Lead Monday and we remembered that Brady is a Bay Area native. He rides BART, witnessed “The Catch” in person and roots for the Giants. Now what could possibly be evil about that?

We believe that lady next to him is his sister, who we would consider after, oh, two Long Islands.

Sports’ biggest non-stories

Sometimes there just isn’t news. It’s the sad reality of the media. And it’s ethically incorrect to make stuff up, we’re told.

But blowing shit out of proportion isn’t against the rules, and it has happened far too often lately. It leads to drawn out, meaningless “stories” that have little-to-no effect on, well, anything.

Sounds like a list.

The biggest non-stories in sports from the last year or so:

8. Barbaro

Nope. Very much a story.

7. Joba Chamberlain’s antics.

Fans, too, no longer should pump fist, yell or gyrate. Gyrate?

6. What to do with 756?

Send it to Cooperstown? Send it to the Hall with an asterisk? Launch it into space?

Ah. Mark Eckō. Fashion designer. Baseball purist.

5. Jessica and Tony split.

Good for US Weekly, People or National Enquirer. Bad for ESPN, SI or Fox Sports.

4. Clemens sleeps with unknown country singer.

Clemens joins probably about, oh, a thousand other professional athletes who have had affairs. But, hey, he also allegedly took steroids! Let’s make him wear an “A “on his chest and then burn him at the stake!

3. Earnhardt joins Hendrick Motorsports.

We once met a cabbie who went from Orange Cab Co. to Yellow Cab Co. Riots ensued.

2. Matt Leinart likes to fight for your right to paaar-taaay.

Elsewhere, young superstars have just started listening to the devil’s music, called “Rock ‘n’ Roll.”

1. Spygate.

If we are subjected to this one more time, we’re going to commit seppuku with a parking meter.

We’re missing some. Surely. We always do. No need to make a big fuss. Just let us know other big sports non-stories in the comments.

NFC North QBs can’t throw very well

That’s Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna. You may remember him from making bold preseason predictions, wearing a naked suit for Halloween and getting absolutely pummeled by Shawntae Spencer.

And Jon Kitna is the best quarterback in the NFC North. Take that in for a minute. Deep breath. Good. Now send a letter to the NFL asking if it can realign so that your favorite team can move to the NFC North.

Names to know: Aaron Rodgers, Brian Brohm, Tavaris Jackson, Kyle Orton, Sexy Rexy. Their career stats:

Rodgers, Packers: 0 games started, 59.3 completion %, 1 TDs, 1 INTs, 329 yards, 73.3 rating.
Brohm, Packers: 0 GS, n/a completion %, 0 TDs, 0 INTs, 0 yards, n/a rating.
Jackson, Vikings: 14 GS, 58.1 completion %, 11 TDs, 16 INTs, 2,386 yards, 69.0 rating.
Orton, Bears: 18 GS, 52.0 completion %, 12 TDs, 15 INTs, 2,347 yards, 62.2 rating.
Rexy, Bears: 30 GS, 54.3 completion %, 31 TDs, 33 INTs, 5,907 yards, 70.9.
Kitna, Lions: 111 GS, 59.9 completion %, 147 TDs, 146 INTs, 26,535 yards, 76.9 rating.

Holy fuck-fust! Is the 2008 NFC North the worst quarterback division of all time? Well, not if Jon Kitna has something to say about it!

What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss?

Call it. You need to call it. I can’t call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.

Guest Post: Cowboys should make for good TV

A few weeks ago we challenged readers to a friendly game of Torch Run. Those who beat our ridiculously good score were offered porn links, a free subscription to the site or a guest post.

And our boy Chris Stuckey took us up on the free post! Chris is a 20-year-old Texan who’s well, from Texas. Chris roots for the Cowboys, Rangers, Stars, Mavericks and even the AFL’s Desperados. Chris has met Quincy Carter and Nate Newton, who may or may not have tried to deal him 50 pounds of grass. Chris gives his take — from a Dallas fan’s perspective — on the Cowboys being the subject of “Hard Knocks.” Take it away…

————————-

HBO and NFL Films nailed it. Could they have chosen a better team to feature on their annual training camp documentary “Hard Knocks”? The Dallas Cowboys are probably the most intriguing team in the league when you combine both the on- and off-the-field elements. My sources informed me that the Bengals were also in running, but supposedly COPS already had dibs on them.

The possible storylines for HBO and NFL Films to follow are endless…

Tony Romo: He has obviously been one of America’s endless “feel good” stories that subsequently gets shoved down by your MSMers, but I must admit this…I have a ginormous man crush on him. I’ve never had feelings like this before and I’m actually starting worry about myself.

Jessica Simpson: Even if you hate the Cowboys, you have to like Jessica. What could be better than combining football with a hot, large-breasted blonde? Who from last year’s edition of “Hard Knocks” featuring the Chiefs got the most pub on the blogosphere? That’s right, it was Brodie Croyle’s hot ass wife. The Cowboys training camp site for 2008 is Oxnard, Calif., which is about an hour outside of Los Angeles. We have to have a Jessica sighting in one of the episodes.

Terrell Owens: I’m already getting my popcorn ready… When you put T.O. in front of a camera, you never know what might happen.

Jerry Jones: Is there an owner that craves attention more than Jerry? Jerry has recently been talking in vivid detail about Felix Jones’ butt quite a bit. Frankly, it makes me pretty uncomfortable.

And last but not least…

Pacman Jones (possibly): How could you not feature this guy? He is bound to get caught in a strip club before the end of the year. From what I hear, Zach has pledged to monitor as many strip clubs as possible throughout the US and plans to keep Jerry informed.

Bottom line: Kudos to HBO and NFL Films for locking down the ‘Boys. The prominent personalities combined with Jessica and the inevitable story about an undrafted free agent’s attempt to make the team should make for must see TV.

Fuck. There are some good college players who went undrafted. Adarius Bowman? He was the shit. Yvenson Bernanrd couldn’t spell, but he was solid, too.

We’re always surprised this time of year about some of the big-name college players who get drafted late on Day 2 of the NFL Draft — or those players who don’t get drafted at all.

There’s gotta be something said for a guy who starred in college, despite his mediocre speed, average size or lack of upside not translating well to the NFL. We’ve always thought that was bullshit. Look at Tom Brady. College star. Joe Flacco? Bust bust bust.

Rivals.com neatly compiled an all-undrafted team, which you can find here. If you’re too lazy to click the link (hey, we’ve all been there), here are some of the notable players that are now free agents.

Sam Keller – The Sun Devil turned Husker QB has one of the hottest lady friends of all the rookies, but either is too small, too slow or simply can’t throw the football very well.

Davone Bess – He caught like eight hundred thousand touchdowns at Hawaii. But is said to be a “system receiver,” though could probably flourish in one of 32 “systems.”

Adarius Bowman – A stud in ’06 at Oklahoma State, he was a disappointment in ’07 posting only mediocre numbers after being considered one of the top returning wide receivers. Apparently is slow.

Vince Hall – Member of a solid linebacking corps at Va. Tech that also included Xavier Adibi. Wore No. 9 which we think is beyond badass for a linebacker. Too small and not fast enough were reasons for not being drafted. NFL team would likely make him change number.

Anthony Morelli – Every NFL team gets an A for passing on the former Penn State QB. Man, we kept saying the day we saw Morelli make three good passes in a row we’d give up masturbation for six hours. Thankfully he didn’t.

Yvenson Bernard – The Oregon State back rushed for over 1,200 yards every year as a starter and finished second on the school’s all-time rushing list. But is too small, doesn’t have breakaway speed and NFL teams don’t understand the spelling of his name.

Alexi Serna – Sticking with OSU, the Beavers’ place kicker won the 2005 Lou Groza Award as the nation’s best placekicker. Also holds the Oregon State record for consecutive successful extra points at 144. Though will be remembered for missing three PATs in his first collegiate game in a 22-21 OT loss to defending National Champion LSU. That he even had a collegiate career after that is nothing short of a miracle.

How Passover will affect your NFL Draft

Passover is our least favorite holiday, outside of the Fourth of July (fireworks scare us).

We live on carbs like pasta and rice and beer and certainly not matzah, but for one whole week, we basically can only eat potatoes and animals. Really kind of ironic about Passover, actually. You could, in theory, eat a bacon ham and cheese melt on some matzah and technically it’d be Kosher for Passover. Go figure.

We don’t observe that closely, but there are many who do. And for those strict-observers, Draft Day parties are going to be a bitch. No beer, no fucking corn syrup (mixers, candy, anything else that tastes good) and defintely no pizza.

Your best options:

-chicken wings. Most come un-breaded, so tear those motherfuckers apart.
-cocktail weenies with dipping sauce
-potato chips and dip (everthing on Draft Day should come with dip).
-veggies and dip
-Bloody Mary’s (make sure it’s potato vodka and your Bloody Mary mix is straight).
-Wine. Manishevitz will do the trick, but whatever floats your boat in the afternoon.

Some fun new additions to the Draft Day drinking game:

-Talk of Chad Johnson trade rumors, take four drinks.
-If any player who is actually in attendance falls out of the first half of Round 1 and has to sit waiting in the green room, drink one full beer for every hour he waits after the start of the draft.
-Any use of the term “spygate” finish your drink.
-If Mel Kiper’s hair moves, drink the blood of cobra.
-If Berman mentions Passover, pound your drink.

Happy Draft, folks! May your team not completely fuck up its future.

Tom Brady shops at Whole Foods

Being Tom Brady isn’t all fun and games. The Boston Herald investigates:

Being Tom Brady isn’t all fun and games.

See? Not fun.

One minute, the two-time Super Bowl MVP is golfing with Teddy Forstmann, the head of powerhouse Hollywood talent agency IMG — the next he’s buying recycled toilet paper at Whole Foods.

Brady’s shit probably smells like bakery fresh cinnamon rolls and every time he’s on the pot he pumps out a one-wipe masterpiece.

But he does it. Even Tom Brady needs to make stew from time to time. He’s like us. Yes, Tom Brady is like you and I.

(Hand-pound: Ben Maller).

Coaches with the most distinct appearance

What was Roy Williams thinking Saturday? That tie! That fucking tie!

It looks he’s wearing a kilt around his neck. That tie could be turned into a flannel shirt that Eddie Vedder wore 15 years ago when Pearl Jam was good. If Roy Williams has more clothing with that same pattern, he’d be better off making instructional videos how to hunt deer than coach basketball.

While Williams is often well dressed, his neck-wear Saturday got us thinking about some of the most distinct looks coaches have.

On the following list, all are either basketball or football coaches since baseball coaches wear uniforms and nobody watches hockey.

Why only eight? Because eight is a lucky number in Chinese culture, asshole. (And because we couldn’t think of 10).

As always with lists, we surely left some out, so help us out in the comments. Here’s what we came up with:

8. Red Auerbach, Boston Celtics:

Auerbach’s signature cigar would never be allowed these days, because smoking is bad for you and the NBA isn’t any fun. But Auerbach, a coaching legend, often had his cigar which makes him stand out in any coaching circles. He probably would have been higher on the list, but few who read this blog can remember the 50s and 60s.

7. Mike Tice, Minnesota Vikings:

Those fucking mock turtlenecks! So out of style, yet so in style when worn by the former Vikes coach. As a kid he would’ve gotten beat up. As a huge man, he brought the cool back to the mock turtleneck. Well, no he didn’t. Not at all. The fucking Fonz couldn’t make a mock turtleneck cool.

6. John Chaney, Temple:

Disheveled, pissed off and a little drunk looking summarize the appearance of former Temple legend John Chaney pretty well. His tie was always loosened, his sleeves rolled up and he always seemed ready for that post-game Scotch.

5. Don Nelson, Golden State Warriors:

It’s a good look for that mid-20s something trying to look hip on a night out: the sport coat with a t-shirt underneath. Hey, it looks classy…until you have a gut. Nellie’s beer belly is on full display when his coat is unbuttoned showing off his body-hugging t-shirt. But for a guy who drinks a lot and coaches our hometown Warriors, he can wear whatever he likes.

4. Al Groh, Virginia:

The crew-neck sweatshirt was made for him…and nobody else.

3. Bob Knight, Indiana/Texas Tech:

The sweaters. Boy does he like sweaters. Maybe he fondles his sweaters.

2. John Thompson, Georgetown:

Towels are not for bathing or for drying the dishes, dammit! Thompson was perhaps the best walking advertisement the towel industry will ever have. (If such a thing as the “towel industry” exists). We might start slinging a towel over our shoulder when we blog.

1. Bill Belichick, New England Patriots:

The hooded-sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off and hood up. You could recognize him from a distance, making him the coach with the most distinct style, even though that style makes him look better suited to stand in an unemployment line or be the leader of the Dark Side than coach a football team.