Frequently Asked Questions

The longer this site goes on, the more curious people get about what drives it; the motivation, the ideas, the stories.

So we’ll respond to a series of emails that have come in over the last few months. Of course Lozo gave us the idea, and you guys the emails.

Why call it The Big Picture?

It was the name of our column at the college newspaper. And we wanted to write about national sports, so we thought of a cliché that could sum it all up. And it sounds better than, “Our Broad Take on Sports.”

What teams do you root for?

The Giants, the Huskies and Barbaro — even if he’s dead.

If you could change one thing in sports, what would you change?

Joe Buck and the Marlins’ uniforms. That was two.

What really pisses you off?

Not scoring a runner from third with less than two outs, overpriced drinks, the NBA, Joe Buck, American Idol, people who speak badly of Carmen Electra, prude girls, MTV.

What’s your beef with Joe Buck?

He touched us when we were little. No really, he tried to show us his penis once. No really, he’s just the most mundane sportscaster and can turn the most exciting event into a snoozefest. And he tried to have sex with us.

So who’s your favorite sportscaster?

Mike Patrick, Gus Johnson, Ron Franklin and pretty much any CBS college football broadcast team.

Best chain restaurant?

Oxymoron, but we sure feel like family at the Olive Garden.

Has the blog helped you with girls?

Wilt Chamberlain has been asking for advice.

Why do you like fake breasts so much?

The same reason we like when girls wear make-up: it makes them look better. Have you seen Kim Kardashian without makeup? Holy shit! Run for the hills!

Would you rather witness the Giants winning the World Series or have sex with Carmen Electra?

Wow…both are once-in-a-lifetime opportunities and both will get you bragging rights for years. Though the Giants win would stay with you forever while sex with Electra would probably last about two minutes. And she might have Hepatitis.

If you could do anything, and money wasn’t an issue, what would you do?

Go on a road trip and catch a different college football game every week, stopping at a local strip club along the way.

Why do you blog?

For the money. Obviously.

Are you serious?

Yes.

???

If you can name this man, you are smarter than we are.

Torch Run is the best thing ever created

A Friday challenge:

Go play Torch Run. It’ll kill about two hours of productivity today and get you to your weekend that much earlier.

We’ve been playing for three days. We fucking scrape at Torch Run.

If you think you have what it takes, and are prepared to lose, try to beat the score of 115. If you do, pull a screengrab of it, email it to zachls5@gmail.com and you can either have:

1. A guest post to write whatever you like

2. Links to three wonderful porn sites

3. A free subscription to this site

Game on, bitches!

The Final Four!

And then there were four…

Cavs Amanda, Suns Amanda, Meghan Vasconcellos and Jaclyn. The WYD tourney is mimicking the real Dance with the top four seeds reaching the semifinals.

We’ll have both showdowns tomorrow, with the WYD championship coming Monday, just in time for that other championship.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ever been to Mt. Shasta? It’s nice. Active volcano. Could blow at any moment. (Not really, but that shit in “Dante’s Peak” was dormant too and then went off. Scary.)

Anyway, as turkey, stuffing and buckets of alcohol infiltrate Big Picture land, here is a list of things we’re thankful for:

-“Half your age plus seven.” Only way we could justify hittin‘ it with Stokke.

-This video of Joe Buck by Burly Sports. Friggin‘ hilarious.

-Silicon and saline. Masturbation sessions would never be the same.

-Booze. How else to get over miserable years by Bay Area and University of Washington teams?

-Gateway drugs. How else to get involved with hard drugs to watch these bullshit NFL games today.

-Our wonderful commenters. You guys fucking rock! Really, especially when we play Categories. You all kill at that. So thanks.

–Emailers. More, more, more! We’re always looking for strange stories around the country. Tip us off by emailing us here.

–Slingbox. That thing is the shit. We can watch Bay Area TV from Seattle. Hellooooo Warriors!

–Firefox. Using Internet Explorer is like counting grains of sand on Miami Beach.

-Pocahontas. Pocahontas is fucking fine. She has something to do with Thanksgiving, right? We really thought that Disney flick about her woulda made for a good porno.

We’re taking Friday off, so we’ll see you Monday. Have a Happy Thanksgiving and we encourage hour-long jerk sessions all weekend.

Update: Mowatt vs. Cohen

Holy bukkake! Sasha Cohen took about a 20-vote lead over Ms. Taryne Mowatt over the weekend — a huge swing! Either the lobbying of certain commenters helped or Mowatt doesn’t know how to close a game.

With such a close race, we’re gonna leave the polls open for another day. If you haven’t voted yet, you can do so from this post.

May the best woman win…

That’s one way for the Rangers to take out their frustration during a shitty season

10-3 15-3 20-3 30-3.

We want to be George Mason

Folks, our tough draw as an 11-seed in the Ladies… thing just got tougher: we somehow — despite being a mid-seed — got stuck going against the No. 1 seed (Jay, from Sports Gone South) in the second round. Not sure how it happened, but we need your help.

Vote here. Vote for us. Vote often.

Since the picture we submitted sucked dick, we don’t like our chances against the No. 1. If you’re on the edge about your vote, here’s a better pic reader JMC passed along. (Feel free to poke fun in the comments.)

Go vote. We wanna fucking win this thing!

Vote for us

We’re a No. 11 in the Ladies… tourney thing.

We probably would’ve been a No. 1 had we gone nude. Thought better of it though.

So go vote for us (scroll to bottom). Our ego needs a Hump Day stroking!

No jokes today

Hi everybody,

I’m gonna break away from this “we” thing and speak as “I” today.

I’ve never been good with tragedy. I know that sounds funny. But I don’t really know how to react it. Not so much emotionally — I’ve never really expressed much emotion at all anyway. More so the etiquette of it, if that makes sense.

Was it acceptable to laugh at jokes yesterday? Acceptable to try to push the massacre to the back of our minds? Maybe those are stupid questions.

But like I said, I just don’t really know how to react it. I felt it was best to avoid dick and hooker jokes today.

Something like yesterday’s events is not only terribly tragic, but it’s horrifying as well. I’m not far removed from being on a college campus where something like this could have happened.

And what are we to do? It’s a helpless feeling. There’ll likely be places to donate money and all that, but I find that sort of insulting. You can’t put a price tag on a life.

In times like this, how the preciousness of life can be taken away with the pull of a trigger is horrifically illuminated, you just need to remember what’s important in life. Family. Friends.

It’s instances like this, where sports rightfully take a back seat to real life shit, that make you realize how fortunate you are for what you have, and that cherishing each day, cliché as it is, is as important as ever.

EDSBS, in an outstanding post, put it best: “It’s impossible to write something adequate about evil — which this undoubtedly was.”

And while I’m still unsure how to handle and react to a horrible tragedy as this, choosing to not ignore these events seems like the obvious choice.

We’ll be back with sports tomorrow. For now, this is far more important.

Thanks for listening.