Movie Review: No Country For Old Men

Remember the time when we reviewed Disney’s The Game Plan? Well, sorry. After watching that, we washed our eyes out with soap and asked an estranged uncle to abuse us while the movie was playing, so, ideally, we’d repress the whole thing and forgot we ever watched it in the first place. No dice, though.

But the same folks who had us review that asked if we’d be interested in reviewing No Country For Old Men.

We thought a bad-ass villain, graphic violence and savagery all neatly compiled into a two-hour movie would be fun, so we agreed.

And yes, No Country is bad ass. All natural sound, violence…it makes you think and stays with you afterwards. We had a non-sexual dream about Javier Bardem the other night. We can hear Tommy Lee Jones’ words burrow beneath our skin. And Milton from Office Space has a minor role. Sweet!

We’re sure, in the near future, No Country will be turned in to a porno called, “No Cunt-ry for Small Men.” It’ll be about well-endowed men who have sex with pornstars. Or, better yet, sexy pornstars who only have sex with well-endowed men! Bingo!

Also, Javier Bardem comes in No. 2 on our list of greatest movie bad guys of all time.

1. Darth Vader, Star Wars

2. Javier Bardem, No Cunt-ry

3. Hannibal Lecter, Silence of the Lambs

4. Keyser Soze, Usual Suspects

5. Jaws, Jaws

Honorable mention: Alan Rickman in Die Hard, the Joker, Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege, Dennis Hopper in Speed.

We highly encourage you see No Country (the Best Picture winner; no word on the porno being released, yet). If you don’t like it, well, you’re gonna like it. Or Mr. Bardem is gonna getcha.