I’m in a slump and I can’t get out

That’s a picture of a generic bathroom and toilet.

Mine looks nothing like it. My bathroom has a TV, stereo, PS3, bookshelf and full bar. OK, there’s no bookshelf.

I made my bathroom like this because I spend more time there than I do anywhere else. The bulk of my time is spent on the toilet because I haven’t taken a proper shit in about 18 years.

I swear, I need to make a fucking appointment now to drop a deuce. Trying to run out to the 9 a.m. meeting? 7:30 date with the pot. Girl friend coming over in the evening? Cut work early and carve out time for a second shower. Having company? Make a “beer run.”

At first it was funny. And I could catch up on reading material, which is always nice. But every morning (and sometimes afternoons, nights, weekends, anniversaries, holidays) I just roll my eyes and think, “here we go again.” I’ve considered anorexia to mitigate my problem.

Sometimes things are just going well: your team is winning, your sex life is at the twice-a-day level and you’re pumping out those well-packed, one-wipe shits. Really, when things are good, they’re good.

But when things aren’t good, it just becomes embarrassing. At work, if you duck away for 45 minutes, you better have a fucking excuse.

“I was at lunch.”
“It’s 10:15.”
“I was at breakfast.”
“No you weren’t. Were you taking a crap? You were! You were taking a crap!”

I get really good at looking at my cell phone when I go back so it looks like I had a real important call that I needed to take elsewhere. But people see right through that. They know the truth…that I just set fire to the corporate john.

This Memorial Day, may your day off be nice. Mine will be spent in the bathroom.