Devil Rays Trade Huff for Juice Box

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays, eager to purge their roster of all major-league caliber players, traded the versatile Aubrey Huff on Wednesday to the Houston Astros for one of Roger Clemens’ socks and a 6.75 fl oz box of Minute Maid Orange Juice. Further details have not been confirmed, but a reliable Big Picture source indicates that the straw glued to the back of the juice box was intact.

Largely due to deals such as this, the Devil Rays have never had a winning season in their eight years in the league, and are headed to a ninth losing campaign. The Arizona Diamondbacks meanwhile, who also entered the league in 1998, have 3 division championships and the 2001 World Series title.

“We like to look forward, and build toward the future,” said Gerry Hunsicker, senior vice president of baseball operations for the Devil Rays. “Heck, we already got rid of Joey Gathright, Fernando Cortez, Mark Hendrickson, and Toby Hall. It was only a matter of time.” Hunsicker continued his nonsense press conference, saying “Aubrey was just starting to heat up. We couldn’t wait until he was on fire to trade him, we might have received too much talent back in return.”

Baseball experts aren’t sure if the Devil Rays are total idiots or just modeling their franchise after the Cleveland Indians in Major League. What nobody is arguing about however, is the fact that these recent trades will allow the Rays to become one of the most thuggish teams in baseball, with the impending call-ups of super prospects Delmon Young, BJ Upton, and Elijah Dukes.

In an interesting twist, Tropicana, the company that owns the naming rights to Tampa’s stadium, has issued a statement condemning the deal. “We don’t understand why the Devil Rays would make such a trade,” said a Tropicana Spokesperson, “we would be happy to provide all the orange juice they would like, free of charge. If they prefer Minute Maid products, maybe they shouldn’t have sold us the rights to name the park.”

In related news, reports from the Tampa area are that Carl Crawford and Jorge Cantu have recently put their homes on the market.

-Jameson Costello

Jameson usually goes by Jamie, but just decided that he prefers the real thing for a pen name.

NL Players Throw Tantrum, Decide to Quit

A day after losing the All-Star game due to a blown save by Trevor Hoffman, the National League players decided to quit the 2006 season and award the World Series to the American League.

“I mean, what’s the point?” said NL manager Phil Garner, “The team that wins the NLCS is just going to get swept by the White Sox, or Tigers, or whoever.”

The National League last won the All-Star game in 1938 1996, and have lost 9 and tied 1 since. They also have lost 6 of the last 9 World Series’ and got dominated in interleague play this season.

“It’s not fair!” wailed NL All-Star Dan Uggla. “The American League gets everything their way! They always win, and they’re really mean! Plus, I didn’t even get to play!”

In a surprising move, the players in the National League decided to vote whether or not to continue competing this season. The Mets and Cardinals were the only teams that voted to keep playing.

“This is really shocking. I can’t believe the NL lost, because they’re usually the better league,” said moron Fox analyst Tim McCarver. In more sad news, the All-Star game and World Series will continue to be broadcast on Fox for some time to come. “You’re stuck with us for the next 7 years” said Joe Buck, in a quote that is real.

After the game, A.J. Pierzynski was seen mooning the NL clubhouse and saying “na na na na na na.” Nomar Garciaparra locked himself in the bathroom and stated that he wouldn’t come out until Michael Young apologized for getting the game winning hit. NL pitcher Bronson Arroyo then sang a shitty blues song, and stated “If only Mike Piazza and Scott Spezio were here, we could really rock out.”

The American League players were disappointed, but not surprised to hear the news. They plan to continue to play and will crown a World Series champion at the culmination of the ALCS.

-Jamie Costello